Compassion Ripples
“It’s really hard to hold Compassion and Judgment at the same time.”
I recently had the privilege of addressing our Temple’s congregation during the afternoon service of Yom Kippur – the holiest of Jewish holidays. Below are my remarks.
I’m so happy to be here today – this afternoon time in this sanctuary is literally one of my favorite times of the year and I am so glad to be sharing it with all of you.
When I learned of the opportunity to say a few words about Compassion, I did 2 things:
First, I looked up the official definition of Compassion. I found that it literally means “to bear suffering” or “co-suffering” from the root words. I thought of compassion as a feeling and then realized that true compassion involves allowing ourselves to be moved by suffering AND experience the motivation to help alleviate or prevent it. MOVED BY and then MOTIVATED TO.
The second thing I did was one of the things I do best…I started to overthink it. I started searching my memory, digging around in my past looking for the perfect example of a time when I felt that I gave compassion, or received compassion. While I was doing that, something beautiful happened.
I was on my daily walk one morning trying to think of my perfect examples. My phone rang, and it was my brother Keith. After a quick “good morning”, he told me that his day had started out with a jolt when a car ran into the back of his car at a stop light on his way to work. He was startled, but thought he was mostly ok as he made his way out of his car. The young woman who was driving the car that hit him had stepped out of her car and was visibly shaken. My brother started talking to her, asking her how she was, where she was off to so early this morning, etc. She said she was on her way to a job interview, driving her mom’s car and had inadvertently hit the gas pedal rather than the brake as she approached the intersection. My brother spent time talking to her about her job interview and asking her questions to calm her down. When the police arrived, he explained what happened, and asked the policeman to help them get through the process quickly so she wouldn’t be late for her job interview. He then helped her contact her mother, told her it was all going to be okay, and wished her luck with her interview. The COMPASSION that he showed in that moment overwhelmed me. That small moment made such a difference in at least 3 lives. It made a huge difference in the young woman’s life. It made a difference in my brother’s life as he felt good when he departed, and it made a difference in my life as I marveled at how compassion is right there for us. So easy to access. And so easy to create a ripple effect.
That call from my brother also highlighted a few other things:
It’s really hard to hold compassion and judgement at the same time. My brother’s response could so easily have been one of judgment – Angry that he had been hit, he could have been really hurt, his day had been delayed, etc. He could have been quick and ready to cast blame – I mean what was she doing? Texting? Instead, he chose a compassionate response – he gave her the benefit of the doubt. He stopped to listen, instead of assume, and then he lead from his heart. It made me realize the importance of giving the benefit of the doubt and listening before we speak. The importance of simply asking “could there be more to this story?”.
The second thing is that we very often find what we are looking for. I had compassion on my mind – and there it was. Playing out beautifully for me in real time. Right there. So that made me remember to stay present and be careful where I let my thoughts and attention roam.
Thirdly, I realized that even though that response may come naturally for some (like my brother), it is a response that we, any of us, can choose at any time. And when we do choose it, the positive benefits literally ripple and impact others.
Closely related to this story is the concept of forgiveness. And after all, Yom Kippur is the holiday of forgiveness and atonement.
For me, forgiveness almost always involves some form of compassion. One of my favorite new quotes is this:
“Forgive them for not being who you wanted them to be.”
And isn’t that at the root of so many disappointments and hard feelings? So many times when we feel let down by either another person or we let ourselves down. Because they weren’t who we wanted them to be. Or perhaps worse, I wasn’t who I wanted me to be. I like the notion of this quote very much. Forgive them for not being who you wanted them to be. And love them anyway.
For many of us, having self-compassion may be the trickiest of all. We tend to be hard on ourselves. We are so often our own worst judgers – so easy to find fault, and so hard to forgive ourselves. Like everything, allowing ourselves to feel compassion for our own short-comings or thoughts actually helps free us to have compassion for others as well. It helps us adopt the notion that we ALL deserve compassion.
So, on this day of Yom Kippur, I encourage us all to not only hold compassion for others, but to practice self-compassion. Especially when we hear that sometimes very loud and bellowing voice of self-judgment.
Knowing that we very often get what we expect and what we emit, consider letting yourself be a channel for compassion. Open your heart and let it in – from others and from yourself. When we let it in, it becomes so much easier to let it out and give it to others.
“May this year bring more compassion to your life. Compassion for friends, for loved ones, for strangers, and for yourself. L’Shanah Tova!”